Love hurts!
by mysterious advisor
Summary: Yeah, it does! Especially when our favourite guys, the generals, are after their favourite girls, the scouts. Put in some humour, spread a bit of stupid behaviour, add some curses and you get one special recipe. SenGen for all the fans out there!
1. of Chocolate and Forks

The reason for which I didn't upload these shots in my other senshi-shitennou series, is that they have slight different subjects: love and pain. Indeed, this shorties will show the shitennou and the painful (and funny) moments they'll have to go through in order to get their beloved senshi. Each story will include one couple, the stories are not tied together and I will be using both original and dubbed names. Also, I might change the rating a bit, due to some swearing. Anyway, sit back and enjoy! That's an order

Oh, and btw, I don't own Sailor Moon!

* * *

No! It's couldn't be! No, no way! Not in here! 

He suddenly stopped his pacing and abruptly turned his head towards the wooden door, glaring at it as if it was his worst "enemy"… although he was probably hiding right behind it, enjoying the sight through the key-hole… after all, Zack was capable of everything when it came to gloating and watching others burn with hatred or envy. And now it was his time to pass through the ordeal.

He felt a strange black aura emanate from his entire body, surrounding him and scaring the heck out of all the passer-bys, for a thousand eyes appeared to be staring right at him and probably somewhere around five hundred minds wondered what the hell he was doing.

Well, to put it in one sentence, he was glaring at the door of his old "enemy's" brand new restaurant. Why, you would ask? Well, that would be happening thanks to their latest fight, which occured several hours before the grand opening, a certain party he had stubbornly refused to attend to. The reason? The fact that Zack could not possibly lead a restaurant when he had absolutely no idea about how food was born from so many fresh ingredients. However, he, Nicholas Harrington, he was a real food man!

"It was great seeing you again. Hope you enjoyed your evening!" an enthusiastic voice was heard from the other side, as the doors opened widely, revealing his friend and an unknown couple.

"We did! Thanks once again for the surprise desert!" the woman waved happily, her long blonde ponytails swinging energetically from above her ears. Who the hell wears ponytails in their twenties???

"We'll definitely come back!" the man spoke as well, while trying (almost desperately) to pull his girlfriend/wife towards their car. Apparently he was the normal one in the pair, having a reasonable hair-do, unlike his cheerful eternal half.

"Bye Zachary!" her voice could be heard until the car's doors were securely shut.

"Oh, it's you!" his voice suddenly turned dull and annoyed as his eyes glared back at the already fuming man. The man's aura darkened even more, forcing all those around him to disappear as fast as possible from the vicinity.

"Careful, you wouldn't want to lose the sole two clients you have. I'm surprised you haven't already gone bankrupt." Sarcasm was extremely polite next to whatever tone his voice reached.

"Watch…" Zack calmly spoke as he opened the doors once again, revealing a beautifully decorated mess hall, filled with people who appeared to be enjoying their lunch. With the same calm movements, he blocked the entrance and returned to his friend. "And die of envy." A malicious smile seemed stuck to the blonde's face, making the other one want to punch it away.

"Cut it out before my fingers start itching!"

"See? I told you my place would be a big hit. In your face, Harrington!"

"Impossible! Both by the number of people inside and the smell exiting your kitchen's windows, you must have found an outstanding cook! And that's really impossible!" Harrington denied all logical reasons.

"Not for me! I have found a secret weapon and I'm not sharing it with you! Ever since I told you about my restaurant, you've only criticized me! Now go away!" the owner wanted to enter the hall and close the door, but was stopped by a strong arm.

"I must meet this secret weapon of yours. Come on, I know you want to brag about your cook, so let's just say that I'll accept it, thanks to a much too high level of curiosity."

"Curiosity killed the cat…" the same malicious smile seemed to have found its way back on the man's somewhat feminine features.

"I don't even want to know how Amy can stand you. You are an evil leprechaun and she's a beautiful angel. What did you do? Tricked her into dating you?"

"Hey, don't speak about my fairy like that! And if you must know, it was the other way around…"

"Meaning she's the evil leprechaun? Kinda' hard to imagine it." This time, it was Harrington who smirked and "Zachary!" who glared. "Ok, ok, just let me meet him." He asked, while already walking towards the kitchen.

"If you apologize."

"In your dreams!"

"Grr! Fine... If you admit I can lead a restaurant." The two men stopped.

"… For the sake of this divine smell outside, I must surrender…" They began walking again.

"Yay! Oh,, and by the way. It's a she…" But his words had come out too late, for the door leading into the large kitchen was already opened widely, allowing the delicious scents pass into the small hallway between the mess hall and the room where all the miracles took place. And, as expected, Harrington stood in the doorway, staring star-struck inside the white hall equipped with various cooking devices and edible supplies.

"You dirty, evil man…" after a good while of staring, he turned to his friend and glared some more. However, that did not seem to have any impact on him, for he was nearly fallen to the floor in fits of laughter.

"I knew this should get your attention." He finally stood up and tried to calm down, while pulling him inside the kitchen, where the "secret weapon" was carefully hidden away from any prying eyes. "Oh, Litaaa!" he called out as sweetly as before, causing several waiters to turn around with stars in their eyes and his friend to nearly throw up.

"Yes, Zack!" the chef turned around, her cap moving slightly once with her long ponytail. Her amazingly green eyes stared at the duo, a questioning look hiding inside of them, while the exact tip of nose was covered in flour. A funny picture if you asked anyone else from that kitchen, but an incredibly lovely one if you were to hear Harrington's real thoughts.

"My dear Lita, I would like you to meet one of my best friends and greatest enemies." His words received a rather puzzled look from the food goddess. "This is Nicholas Harrington, a true legend among my friends when it comes to food."

"Oh, nice meeting you, Mr. Harrington. I've heard quite a lot about you." The young woman smiled, bringing alien feelings inside the man's soul.

"Really? I didn't think Zack here would talk about me so much." He gave the blonde man a friendly nudge, while passing another hand through his own rich auburn locks.

"Actually, I heard about you from the cooking channel. Apparently your exotic plates are quite heavenly."

"Really?"

"Indeed. I was actually thinking of coming to your restaurant for an interview, but then Zack's new shop was highly recommended by a close friend, so I decided to come here in the end."

"Oh…" the man's enthusiasm was suddenly killed away.

"But I will still make sure to stop by and try out your most famous recipes." She smiled again and brought up a new hope.

"Let me know when that is. I will make sure to put all my efforts in them." He suddenly pushed Zack away and stepped even closer to her, making almost all waiters faint from emotion. There was nothing like a live-action soap-opera in the middle of a steaming kitchen. However, she only blinked.

"Sure."

Without leaving her eyes for even a second, he leaned over, towards the table behind her, and gently dipped one finger inside the metal bowl that contained what appeared to be chocolate for a cake's icing. Unfortunately for him, what was supposed to be an incredible seductive gesture that made nearly every food girl in the country turn madly in love with him, became an extremely dumb one and made her desperately try to hide her laughter… for you see, both the bowl and especially the sweet liquid inside of it were quite hot. So, what should have been a romantic evening, ended with a trip at the hospital and with one of his fingers from the right hand tightly wrapped in several sets of bandages, after having been seriously treated for second degree burns.

"Oh my God! I can't believe you did that!" Jason was laughing like a mad man on the other side of the phone line. Bored and annoyed, the well-known cook threw the expensive cell-phone to his friend and inwardly swore the moment when he had decided he wanted friends… and especially these ones. 

"Stop being mean. Yes, we know that… Yes… God, yes, how many times must I repeat it to you? Yeah… she was still laughing even after the 911 call. No, he's fine. They said he should be ok in a couple of weeks, so we'll probably have to starve until then. Ok, bye." He turned off the cell and threw it back to its owner. "Jason sends his _hottest_ wishes." Zack once again found himself on the edge of laughter.

"I heard…" Nick growled and glared at whomever happened to cross his visual field at that moment.

"By the way, I'm sorry to inform you, but I have to stop by the restaurant before I get you home. There are some papers I forgot there with all the ruckus."

"Will she be there?"

"Don't know… You can wait in the car if you'd like." Mute glare. "Look, I know it was embarrassing, but trust me, she won't lower your rating only for something this shallow and stupid." Another mute glare. "Ok, maybe she will. But she'll act really cool about it. Trust me, I know her and so does Amy. She's a great girl… and if you were to look beyond her astounding meals and incredibly long legs, you might actually see what any man wants."

"…?"

"Soul mate, Nicholas Harrington! The words are "soul" and "mate"!"

"Damn, and I thought before you were girlish…"

"Cut it out! Try it and who knows, you might find what I did in my sweet doctor."

"The sole angel in Heaven who can stand all of your stupidity?"

"Someone to share my life with! God, sometimes I really don't know why I even bother!"

"It's because I feed you."

"Riiight…"

"Let's just go…"

* * *

Just as expected, the whole restaurant was drowned in darkness, right before Zack turned on the lights in order to search the stupid papers that had forced him to come to this damned place the second time that bloody day. After ten whole minutes of waiting, Nick decided he had had enough, got out of the car and entered the building as well. To his great surprise, he found the kitchen lights turned on, instead of the office ones. Entering the now clean and empty room, he met the last person he currently wanted to see: the kitchen goddess herself. 

"Umm, hey! I was just looking for Zack. You didn't happen to see him, did you?" he asked, an incredibly faint blush covering his cheeks all of a sudden.

"Yeah, he just walked out and I believe he's currently starting the engine and driving as far away as possible." She answered promptly, once again taking him by surprise. He really didn't know other girls could react like that… and even if they usually did, they would always change in his presence.

"Damn… Look, sorry about earlier today…"

"No! It's my fault for having forgotten that the chocolate was still hot. I'm really the one to apologize here… and that's why I've come with a peace-offering." She stated and walked to the immense fridge, pulling out two plates one moment later. Indeed, you guessed correctly, the two plates held two slices from the blasted cake that had destroyed all of his plans, both covered in the chocolate that had taken revenge on his finger for wanting to take its mistress away. Who would even think chocolate could possibly carry such complex feelings?

"Are you sure it won't eat me?"

"I promise it. This time it's safe!" she smiled confidently and pointed to a chair next to her. A moment later, after gazing intensely into her eyes once again, he finally sat down and enjoyed the desert.

"Wow… this is really good!" he exclaimed after taking a small bite and stared at her.

"Yeah… I'm kind of famous among my friends for my deserts… Apparently I'm good at cooking." She joked and smiled.

"Very good, I might say…" damn, that secret and almost lecherous half of his seemed to come out again. And why not? One burnt finger was not such an important casualty in the war of love.

"Please don't do that again!" all plans shattered as his normal self returned abruptly.

"What?"

"Don't go all Casanova on me again. I don't want you to get hurt one more time."

"Casanova?"

"Would you prefer Don Juan?" Surprise and confusion. Well, it wasn't love, but not pain either. In the end, what else could possibly go wrong?

"Would you?" Ok, now he was seriously looking for trouble. He tried once again to approach her, when another sharp pain made his eyes nearly pop out of his head. "Shit!" he could stop himself this time.

Indeed, while trying to get to her, he searched for support on the table with his left hand, which he found… in the middle of her plate and right above a piece of chocolate and, of course, how could he possibly miss it, a fork… causing four different small pieces of metal enter his other, still unharmed palm.

"Warned you!" Lita screeched two minutes later, while she was trying to tie his bloody hand up with a towel and call 911. "You really need to stop doing that, or you'll manage to kill yourself at some point. Now stand still, so I can tie this up and stop the bleeding!"

"But it hurts!"

* * *

"This is for my dear friends Lita and Nick! Their relationship started as bumpy as it could, but may they face a thousand more years together!" Zack's words were followed by a deafening roar of laughter and applauses, filling the entire hall. In the middle of a large crowd, the bride and groom smiled happily, holding their hand together and secretly wishing to be all alone, millions of kilometers away from the ball that didn't seemed to end. 

"And may they never forget that they owe it all to chocolate!" Jason suddenly shouted, causing even more laughter to be heard from everywhere.

"And table wear of course!" Kevin was the one to end the chain of jokes, despite his usually much too serious attitude.

Lita and Nick only stared at each other in silence, right before bursting out themselves in laughter and remembering once again the strange and painful moments that had brought them together for life.

Who could imagine her chocolate could be so delicious… and yet so painful and deadly?

* * *

In the end, there is but one way to express your opinion: review!!!! Please:D 


	2. of Brooms and Crows

Time for second chappie! Enjoy ;)

I do not own Sailor Moon or DHL.

* * *

"Please Kami-sama, hear my prayer! Make her fall in love with me again! That is…of course, if she was in love with me to begin with…"

"Are you an idiot?"

Normally, Jadeite Haku wouldn't even notice such words… However, considering it was six in the morning and he was obviously the sole "pilgrim" in the entire temple, he somewhat fell obliged to listen and register the harsh tone and question. Instead of walking away without a single glance, as he usually did whenever he heard such words, whether they were addressed to him or not, he stood up, turned around and glared darkly (a gesture which received a big help from the almost violent bags under his normally big blue eyes) at whoever that rude person was. Who could possibly dare to interrupt his, HIS, utmost important prayer? The sole person who had that kind of power in a Shinto temple, would be the main priest or priestess… except this mad woman was just… oh yeah, the main priestess…

"Of course not!" came out his "wise" reply.

"Are you sure? Because the stupidly early hour and that incredible request seem pretty dumb to me." Her annoyance was starting to reach new peaks even for her, at such an hour.

"Well, you hair-do doesn't say much either, great priestess. Let me guess, you're trying to compete with that Yura witch from the Inuyasha anime?" his blonde eyebrows barely managed to rise up. Ok, if he wanted her fuming this early, he could definitely tick it on his "to do" list.

"So, you're not only stupid, but you're a smart ass as well…"

"Are you even allowed to say those words? Or are you just dressing up for some Halloween-like celebration?"

"Should I warn that I carry a rather large broom, or can I just hit you with it until you pass out?"

"And feed me to your wild bears, wolves or whatever large animal it is you're hiding in that sakura orchard?

"This is a temple, not a zoo! And besides, my faithful crows will always be more than happy to serve the purpose of eating you alive."

"Crows?" This time the blonde eyebrow rose up faster, a clear sign of awakening.

"It's slower and much more painful." That thought could make the violent miko smile this sadistic even at such an early hour. "But stop changing the subject!"

"You sure? I wouldn't mind visiting Hell for a while…" Ok, drastic change of movement. At first, he begged for a broom on his back and a kick in the rear down the rock steps. But now, he had changed to two brooms and a shoulder to cry on. Damn, this would have been a LOT easier if she had simply become a psychologist. At least, then she could choose her clients. Now, she was forced to just accept them all. And for free! Damned economy!

"Why would you do that? I thought you wanted her to love you." She said the magic words with a sigh, clearly aware of the torrent that was about to hit her at full. Tears, punches, suicide attempts… yeah, she had pretty much seen them all. There was nothing in the entire world that could surprise her.

"Are you kidding me? That is even too far for my own dreams. If I could, even I would dump myself without a second look."

Ok, except for that…

"I understand self-pity, but you're going a bit too far with this…" her annoyed and bored tones were gone, a strange new one (with a secret name) taking their place.

"I highly doubt it, but your welcomed to think whatever you want… though I'm pretty sure I haven't made quite an impression on you either."

"Trust me, anyone who is capable enough to wake up at such an early hour and climb up all the temple steps has that capability." She nodded her head, praying to the same Kami-sama that she wasn't talking to yet another suicidal person.

"Wake up? But I haven't even gone to sleep…" his tone seemed amused, while she wasn't once again sure whether to kick that guy down the numerous steps or call an ambulance. In the end, she didn't have to do either… just carry (or pull) him inside one of the temple houses, for he had unwillingly fainted on his own. Diagnostic: exhaustion.

* * *

"Ugh…" he groaned as a ray of light hit him right in the eyes and tried to hide beneath the warm covers. Light bad. Dark good. Me vampire. "Argh!" his inner and outer personas shouted in the same time as the covers were not-so-gently pulled away from him, leaving his body to freeze in the nearly empty room. Talk about following old Japanese customs. "Are you always this careful with your guests?"

"First of all, I didn't welcome you here. I tolerated you until I found myself forced to accept you in one of the guest houses, because I couldn't just dump you in the streets, nor could I find your ID and take you home." Annoyed tone: check. Glaring eyes: check. Miko traditional outfit: check. Long, raven and (this time) brushed hair: check. Broom: thank Kami-sama, nowhere in sight.

"You know, when you don't have that broom with you, all that power seems to fade away, Your Scariness." He did a mocking bow and got up from the hard tatami. "And don't you have something more comfortable? My back is killing me!"

"Tradition. Ever heard of that word? If not, go check a dictionary!" Sarcasm: check.

"Boring. Let's have a more interesting conversation. Why did you bring me here?"

"Because you fainted from exhaustion. The doctor said you hadn't slept nor eaten in three days. Are you mad?"

"Hmm, so is that why you brought me here?"

"Not necessarily. But it is why I bothered to wake up earlier than usual and make you healthy breakfast."

"Should I feel offended or honored?"

"I really couldn't care less. However, while we eat, you will tell me who you are and where you live!"

"Why? Want to pay me a visit from time to time?"

"No, just want to make sure I can push you in a taxi and give the driver the correct direction. Now come on!" she pulled him without a second thought out of the room and through a complicated chain of hallways, until they reached what appeared to be the main house, judging by the slightly more modern furniture."

"I didn't know these houses where connected somehow."

"Well, now you do. Sit, eat, talk."

"In the same time?" The blonde smile evilly, but stopped, as soon as he noticed the broomstick right in front of the kitchen's windows. With a gulp he silently sat down and began munching an onigiri.

"So? Who are you?"

"Would you like the short version or the long one?" he inquired and noticed how she seemed lost in thought for a moment, as if she was deciding a very important fact.

"Long one." She finally answered and took him by surprise once again.

"Ok… My name is Jadeite Haku and I lead one of the most profitable jewelry businesses in Japan, thanks to my father's heritage. Unfortunately for my life, though, this job forces me to meet new people: distributors, manufacturers, models…" He stopped for a moment to take another bite from his food. " The reason for which you found me the other days in front of the temple was because the woman I love… or used to love anyway, left me for another dealer, in France."

"A model?"

"Yeah… one of the best… and worst, if you get my meaning."

"Kind of… what happened?" This time, Rei's curiosity went beyond her common sense.

"She decided that, after three years spent together, I am not good enough for her. Therefore, she sent my engagement right through DHL and told me that we are history over the phone… from France… where apparently she had met her Prince Charming. Not the best thing that could happen to someone, but not the worst either… So I must admit, that I am an idiot." For the first time, he looked up and stared right into her eyes. For a long moment, the two hadn't moved at all, simply staring at each other, trying to make some sense from the entire situation.

"Really?" The miko finally broke away.

"Yeah… I'm sure you've seen people coming here with real problems… not stupid heart aches…"

"You'd be surprised…"

"But enough about me! Well, my ironic savior, who are you?"

"I've been all my life the one you see now: a priestess at this temple."

"No really? I would've never guessed." He smiled, probably for the first time in days too.

"My name is Rei Hino… and just like you, I run the family business."

"Wow… I didn't think there would still be such people in Japan."

"We're not that many left. Usually the temples nowadays are taken over by strangers… but I decided to follow my mother's footsteps… and my grandfather's… and so on and so forth… My life isn't that complicated or risky… so you'd probably get bored here after a couple of hours." She simply shrugged her shoulders and finished the food on her plate.

"And do you really find completion in God?"

"I'm not a nun… I'm a priestess… But I think that, at times, I could only find help in him."

"Hmmm, you know, when you are this calm, you are actually beautiful." Deadly glare: check.

Indeed, if he didn't screw up at some point, he just couldn't rest easy at night. Unfortunately for him, now he couldn't probably rest at all, for his back was seriously attacked by the painful weight of a traditional broom.

* * *

"Hey Kunzite…" his voice spoke slower than usual, aware and somewhat scared of the avalanche that was now imminently about to pour out of the telephone.

"Jadeite? Where the Hell are you?"

"Is that Jade? Give it to me!"

"Finally! Man, where were you? No wait, where are you?" Three different voice reached his ears as those on the other side of the line seemed to battle over the small device that allowed them to talk to their long lost friend.

"Guys, I'd really love to answer all of your questions, but can we go about this later?"

"Where are you?" Kunzite's stern voice suddenly stopped all noises on the other side, proving the fact that he had probably managed to make the others shut up or tie them up in just a few seconds and with only one arm. Not that he wasn't capable or anything.

"Do you know the Shinto temple on the other side of the city? You know, the one with the sakura trees."

"Yeah… you got that far?"

"Apparently so… Think you could give me a lift back home?"

"Sure… as long as you don't decide to disappear right before we arrive. We've been searching you in the past days and every time we got a bit closer, they'd tell us you just left." Kunzite's voice now appeared to be life-threatening, so Jadeite almost had to brace himself before his next words.

"Neah, don't worry… I won't do it this time…" he ended and put down the phone, while his eyes were already looking out through a small window, at the temple's front garden, where the beautiful, yet slightly too violent, shrine maiden had already begun her daily activities.

He looked down at his right hand and, with a tired sigh, placed the object in it once again over the nasty bump that was now exiting his forehead. 'Damn, that broom sure is painful…' where his last thoughts before exiting the house and walking to the dark-haired miko that could easily get the job of every psychologist in that town.

* * *

"Oh, holy shrine maiden, where are you?" he particularly wanted to sound like a dieing dog, as he walked through the never-ending labyrinth formed between the temple and the houses that surrounded it. The truth was that he needed to change his attire before his friends came to pick him up and he was once again starving… therefore, he was pretty sure that if he didn't manage to find her soon, he'd probably receive some of the guys' fists (which were already prepared from even earlier before) and/or die of hunger. "Hmm, stay here with volcanic tempered shrine maiden, run away to car of deadly friends. It's not like I have that many alternatives…" his voice whispered through the hallways, as he already began to feel quite scared of the entire temple's buildings.

However, when he felt a draft of warm air and saw dim lights up in front, he nearly let out an enthusiastic "finally". The only thing that stopped him, had been the fact that he was still inside a temple and didn't want to scare away any other people that had come to pray. So he only did what any other normal person would have done in his shoes. Go to that specific door and open it. Yay, the way to freedom… or at least that was what him AND any other normal person would have thought… and considering there weren't any normal persons left in the temple…

Let's just say that our friend found himself in less than a heartbeat at the bottom of a pretty large pile of wood pieces. For you see, that door hadn't been used in ages and, considering it blocked, Rei's grandfather had chosen it to support the wood his lovely granddaughter needed to keep the Sacred Fire alive. Unfortunately for a series of characters, the neat pile of wooden fragments now laid everywhere, thanks to a certain man's desire to reach the outer world once again and free himself from the nasty cobweb of hallways and doors.

"Ouch! Damn it! This hurts like Hell!" he complained and began climbing out from below the small, yet hard and painful enough pieces.

"I'm really not sure whether you look for trouble, or it looks for you…" Yeah, now she was angrier than ever. At least that was what that throbbing vein about to pop out of her forehead meant. And not only was she angry… but she was currently carrying a certain object as well…

"Oh no, not the broom!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

"Hmm, I think I'll pay her a visit tomorrow."

"You're really an idiot, did you know that?" blonde hair filled his visual field.

"Yeah, although Zoi and I don't usually get along, I hate to agree with him this time." Glare. "Come on, you pretty much ruin her praying chamber, she nearly puts you in hospital and you still want to go there for some more?" Nephrite looked at him incredulously, trying to keep himself from laughing out loud.

"She seemed pretty angry. At least give her some space for a while. And plus, are you sure you're not pushing yourself in something like this, just because you want to forget about your ex? I mean, that could really hurt Hino-san if she were to find out." Kunzite was just about as logical as always.

"Maybe… but in the end it would still hurt me a whole lot more…" Jadeite mused over the wounds he had received not even three hours earlier. Their causes? Her and her wood. Damn, that girl could sure hit!

"And what makes you think she'll even want to see you again after everything you've done?"

Indeed, had nothing else happened in the meantime, he would've probably thought among the same lines. However, his memory returned to a certain flashback, that had occurred about two and a half hours earlier: a kiss. Indeed, he had managed to steal her a kiss… and she had succeeded in actually blushing. Well, right before smacking him again, but not as hard as usual. And that could only mean one thing: aaaah, sweet and blissful acceptance. It began with you, and, hopefully, this time it would never end.

* * *

Please review!


	3. of High Heels and Cakes

Don't own Sailor Moon... or Barbie...

Enjoy...

* * *

"Kenneth Thomas." I spoke out loud and immediately noticed how her eyes travelled over my whole appearance for a second before going back to the phone and announcing my name. Damned women! Every time they happen to hear my name, they always twist their necks, turn their faces, stare… and stare some more. Just because my name's short version happens to be the name of a famous masculine doll, it doesn't necessarily mean that I have to stop talking on the phone each and every time I'm in public… or that every one who knows me must comment over this unfortunate fact of my life.

The second I heard the secretary's confirmation, I moved away from her desk and towards the door… but not before I noticed a second stare at me… or at a specific area of my body anyway. What can I say? I am used to this kind of behaviour and I can't do a thing about it. Although I would love to be able to carry a normal conversation on the phone in public buildings and not have a bunch of women staring and giggling at me… especially after they happen to catch my name.

With an annoyed look, I pushed the door open and nearly smashed it closed.

"Fire your secretary!"

"Ken, it's the third one this week. I can't keep changing my secretaries just because you hate the way they look at you. They're women, for cryin' out loud." Nicholas Stanford, one of my best friends, spoke as he did not even bother getting up from his comfortable armchair, behind a large black desk.

"They don't just look, Nick! They stare, giggle, sometimes even drool. It's embarrassing!"

"It's gross!" He finally glanced up at me, a look of disgust imprinted on his features.

"And I can't even act normally in public. I can't answer my phone, I can't hold lunch meetings, I can't even talk to Jason, without hearing his new "Barbie and Ken" jokes!" I dramatically threw my arms up in the air, in a surrending gesture.

"Hint: change your name." He snickered evilly.

"Too late." I grumbled. It would've been really nice if I had not been a public person and if my parents had carried different genes… hopefully, some that would not offer me the look of one of those foreign personal trainers that ninety-years old widows and grandmas hire. Probably one of my ancestors belonged to that species and now, centuries later, I must deal with all the burdens.

"Ok… Leave the country then, but make sure you don't until the 24th."

"Engagement party?"

"God, I wished I had that elephant memory of yours. Yesterday was our three years anniversary and I was nearly killed when I got home last night."

"You forgot about it?" This time it was my turn to snicker.

"That… and I had to work late thanks to some "genius" agents from Germany who decided to work in their timeline and not mine."

"Petty fools. Shame on them!" Yes, Shakespeare would've probably been proud of my acting.

"Yeah… so I had to deal with kitchen knifes and metal bowls nearly all night."

"Why are you getting married with a food girl? You know that kitchen equipment is the deadliest of all." I shook my head warningly.

"What can I say? I love her cooking… and her, generally speaking."

"Are you turning soft or is it just me?"

"Are you kidding? With this woman I have to pay attention 24 hours a day or she'll fry me alive."

"My, my, who would've though? Nicky Stanford chained down by a woman…"

"And what a woman! My friend, I strongly recommend those of her kind."

"Amazons? Didn't they used to use men for procreation and then kill them?"

"Ah, at first it appears to be so! But then, as you start making down your way to her heart, you being discovering her true nature… and you can't help yourself but fall in love with her."

"And remain faithful for the rest of your life or be turned into an eunuch."

"I don't know. With Lita I'd prefer to divorce if I ever happen to find other attractions. But enough of that! I am set on becoming a good husband and I really don't need any distractions… at least not before the marriage!"

"So, shall I understand that she'll be providing the food for the party?"

"Well, not herself. Although she'll most probably walk into that kitchen every five minutes and shout at those poor people some more. It must really hurt to have a perfectionist boss."

"Yeah, well at least she's a boss who can control her employees…"

"For the last time, I'm not firing my secretary… Wait until the week-end at least!"

For the first time in a week, I finally managed to take a good look at my old friend. Ever since I knew him, he had always been the "party-animal" who usually skipped almost the entire year in college, but managed to pass his exams by hitting on his female professors… the younger ones, thankfully… And now, almost ten years after cutting all possible ties with every educational system, he was running his own company, having all the success in the world… and marrying one of the most gifted chefs in the country.

"What?" he grumbled, having noticed my stare for quite some time.

"You do realise we'll have to throw you a bachelor party, right?" Ah yes, what man could possibly deny that final night of celibacy, when he must say goodbye to his true nature and welcome his new religion: monogamy.

"No." What?

"What?"

"I said no."

"Why?"

"I've seen what disasters can happen on such occasions. I used to throw all bachelor parties, after we ended college, remember? Such parties can destroy a man's life."

"You can't be serious… Name one!"

"Michael Derwood."

"Who?" Apparently not even my elephant's memory is that good.

"You were too stoned at the time to remember. Michael Derwood was one of the first guys in our group who got married… or was supposed to, anyway. I was asked to put together a reunion, so I hired the usual package: drugs, alcohol and stripers. The perfect mix for an unforgettable night that had to be forgotten by the next day."

"So what went wrong? Your parties were always a big hit."

"He kind of ran away with one of the stripers." Without previous warnings, I burst out laughing. An unusual reaction coming from me… but most normal considering the situation.

"What happened?"

"He broke his fiancée's heart and remained broke when his father took his right of inheritance away. Last time I heard of him, he was croupier in Vegas."

"Did he at least get the striper?"

"Nope, she dumped him the moment his fortune vanished. She married some rich old geezer a couple of years ago and now lives in luxury as his widow."

"Funny how fate has the tendency of kicking you in the back when you're already down."

"Yeah… after that party I swore I'd never even attend to such a "feast" again. So, please spare me the "tradition" speech and let me get married in peace!"

"Fine! I'll consider it for the sake of your pretty fiancée. Nothing more, nothing less."

"I really appreciate it! And now get your Ken posterior out there and find yourself a Barbie!"

"What?!?"  
"Come on, it's a wedding. You never know! And plus, usually magical stuff is supposed to happen on these occasions."

"Magical stuff? How romantic… God, what did that woman see in you?"

"Money! Fame! Good genes for the possible offsprings?"

"God help us all!" I raised my hands to the ceiling in mocking defeat.

"Get out of here before I call Jason!" He lifted his phone and pointed it at me as if a laser beam of some kind was supposed to hit me at any moment.

"So what?" I would've stuck out my tongue, but then I realised that I still had a reputation to consider.

"He just told me last night that he got several new "Ken" jokes." Oh, now he really meant it.

"Not today, thank you!" I nearly ran out of his office, past his secretary's desk and into the perfectly opened elevator, before that disrespectful woman could even tell what hit the chair in front of her desk and demolished a perfectly neat heap of papers.

* * *

"Wear the lavender one! It matches your eyes!" God, if this man weren't one of my supposing best friends, I'd have killed him a loooooooooooooong time ago. I glared at him, using the mirror I was staring into as a means of transportation.

"Shut it! The last thing that I'm going to do is take fashion advice from a man who would walk around all day in shorts and t-shirts if he could!"

"Hey, I'll have you know that my designed shorts and shirts happen to have an amazing success. Look at me! Two more years and my stocks are going to reach yours. I'm coming up… slowly, but surely." He tried to glare back. Pff, as if someone with blue eyes could ever be able to actually glare.

"What are you doing here anyway?" I was about to lose it, so I thought I could actually discover the reason for my current torture… hopefully, before my last wish time.

"Plus, in the last number of "Purple Barbie Ponies" it is said that Barbie loves it when Ken wears lavender. By the way, do you know what "mauve" is?" Ok, if smoke wasn't coming out through my ears before, it definitely is now.

"What the hell?! Did you start stealing your niece's magazines now? You perv! Get out of my room! Get out of my house!"

"Man, research is vital for my jokes. What, you think those gags appear just like that?" he sent a most incredulous stare and I had a sudden urge to chop off those blue eyes of his.

"Get out!"

"Sheesh! Calm down, man… And hurry up, would you? It's almost time for the party!" oh great… His shouts probably have alerted the coast guard of our future whereabouts, by now… But hey, at least he got out.

I returned to the mirror and made some last adjustments to the dark suit I was wearing, thinking about the wedding I had just witnessed hours earlier. I still couldn't believe that Nick had gone through that final step. Indeed, Lita had worn a gorgeous gown, which had managed to make her look even more stunning… if only one of my best friends hadn't tasted her cooking first… I looked at my own eyes… and then it hit me…

Oh, mY God! It's contagious! The marriage responsibility virus had just been unleashed and now it's taking over the world. Look at myself! I'm too young to even hear that word, but consider such a state for myself??? I stared at my own reflection, while my mind elaborated some new version of my future plans. Nooo!! I don't want to lose my company in a divorce lawsuit, I don't want to go to jail and never see my kids again… God dammit, I didn't even want to get married in the first place!!!

"Are you coming today, Cinderella?"

Amazingly enough, while I panted hard from my mental torture, I couldn't help but bless Jason for his excellent sense of time… and yet, swear to kill him once again for his ridiculous nicknames. If only…

* * *

"What took you so long?" Zack's annoyed look welcomed us inside the magnificent hall.

"Man, Nicky sure knows how to spend his money…" Jason let out a congratulatory whistle behind me.

"Yeah, you can tell he's happy… for now anyway…" The long-haired blonde's expression turned even darker.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"The spell should be over in a couple of years. Then will come a separation trial, since there were no contracts signed, hell will probably break loose, kids will end up in therapy…"

"Shut up! It's your best friend's wedding. The least you could do is shut it and wish them real happiness!" I nearly roared, my own mental pictures from earlier returning.

"You got dumped again, didn't you?" Jason chuckled, a malicious smile spread on his lips. Zack just narrowed his eyes dangerously. Great… catfight… at times, I wish I could say dogfight… but considering Zack's skills in this area, that name really can't be used. "Twice?!" Jason broke out in laughter.

"Hey, at least I'm smart enough not to sleep with the woman and then get caught by her hubby in full action!"

"At least I'm the one who's getting some… unlike others that will soon reach the title of monks!"

"You hit on a married woman?" I should have probably said something smarter and wiser, in order to break those two off… but I really wasn't in the mood…

"The pigtailed blonde over there…" he pointed over his shoulder, at a pretty young woman, dressed in a light pink dress.

"Nice, too bad she's taken already…" Jason shook his head as we noticed her husband, a pretty good-looking fellow himself, approaching her with a large plate filled with various foods… which she devoured in record time. The disagreement on our faces was replaced by stupor…

"Wasn't she supposed to be a woman?"

"Is that guy blind…"

"Wow… she beat my record…" Give us a break, it was a wedding party and people were supposed to be relieved of some brain cells tonight… who cared if we started early?

As suspected, the party was a huge success. Everyone, friends, relatives and even people the two lovebirds had only invited out of respect and courtesy enjoyed the food, the music and the general atmosphere.

"This will probably remain in the city's history as one of the best wedding parties ever…"

"You think?" I asked ironically and rolled my eyes. "Where did Jason go anyway? After that show earlier, I thought he'd be ravaging the food court at this time, as a comeback."

"He already did that… Now he's trying to hit at one of the bride's cousins…" Zack informed me. Apparently after being rejected one more time, he decided the dance floor was just not his spot tonight.

"Lita has cousins?"

"Yeah, an army of them… although most parents and grandparents have passed away. Such a sad history…"

"Well, let's hope that the tragedies ended there…" Wait… my mind finally processed the entire sentence. "Jason is trying to hit on someone?"

"Yes."

"Female."

"Yes."

"Human?"

"Yes, I know! I wanted to create an alien scanner when I saw her too."

"I can't believe him, out of all people, will get some action." I mumbled, both bewildered and still suspicious.

"I wouldn't bet on that…"

"How come?"

"Well, he might get some action, alright… but not that kind."

"What are you talking about?"

Slap. Punch. Thud.

"And stay the hell away from me, you creep!" A fiery brunette stormed past us, nearly blowing up the wedding cake with her bare eyes. Behind her, a head of expensive clothes and entangled limbs lay on the floor. It's name: Jason.

"He'll never learn his lesson…" Zack shook his head disapprovingly.

"Although I'll never even try to understand your behaviour, there is one thing about your personality that bugs me." I confessed as I simply lifted the poor soul up from the ground level. "Why do you always choose women that are clearly brighter, stronger, smarter… well, generally better than you?"

"Because that way, I can ensure my children a safe and strong genetic line." A proud and serene smile suddenly appeared on the blonde's bruised face.

"Oh, mY God… He wants to procreate!" the other blonde seemed to have lost it, while my own expression turned dumb.

"Children?" I finally managed to mumble. "Why?"

"Yeah, can't you spare the Universe from being destroyed by little Jason clones?"

"No! As in… do you really think you could be a good father?"

"Well, I'm not good at anything else… now am I? I can support my family's company, but let's face it, I could never make it evolve, up to its real value. Therefore, I can only do one thing!" Oh great… Now his Superman-like position was starting to emit rays of light. What's next? Colourful latex?!?

"I'm afraid to ask…" I've never seen Zack cowering before… but apparently it was never too late…

"I've got to find myself a smart and strong woman who can rule my companies for me, while I take care of her children…"

"So… you're going to be… a house-husband?" Although the other blonde was about to fall through the floor, I felt quite puzzled.

"Yes!" Oh God, someone turn off those lights! "And now if you'll postpone the rest of your interrogatory, I must go and see if I can reconcile with the potential boss/wife that just ran away." And poof, he was gone… off to his own private holiday in hell.

"Hey, Ken-doll." Hurray, and apparently Caron made a pit stop to grab me in his boat too. I turned to the "dance floor" and noticed the party crashers. Your usual group of idiots, who torture former trekkies and drool at teenage pop idols' concerts. In a word "pathetic". "So, I see that our feminine audience has the hots for you tonight, and still, you manage to remain the same old iceberg. So, where's your Barbie, Ken?" the so-called joke only seemed to be appreciated by their group, for they were the only ones laughing. Should I kill them now or allow them two more minutes in the world of the living? "Hmm, she must've found another yard for her ponies, if she isn't here, right?" I'm going to hell anyway, might as well grab some hitchhikers on the way. I was just about to break some necks, when a long whistle stopped me, as well as three similar star-struck looks on three different faces. Man, if you thought klingons were ugly, these three could definitely win against them in a "beauty" contest. Still, I couldn't help myself and I had to look at my right… and eventually end up staring after several seconds.

"If you three clods don't find yourselves other targets for those imbecile stares, I'll make sure you won't have what to ogle with beyond tonight!" How come all the beauties here were incredibly angry? Must be a dominant gene in Lita's bloodline.

"Hey Barbie… we were just talking about you! Say Ken… you don't mind sharing for a bit… do you?" Bad idea… very bad idea…

"What did you just say?" See what I was talking about?

* * *

Less than three hours later, I found myself in a clean and perfectly white emergency room, with a mountain of ice on top of my head and a heavily bandaged leg. At some point during the commotion, the beautiful blonde nicknamed "Barbie" took me for one of those idiots and decided to spill a part of her anger on me too. Unfortunately, she only managed to hit me once in the head, for she slipped on some ice-cream and fell right into my arms… and how unlucky it was for me to turn into a total klutz at that particular moment… In conclusion, I chivalrously fell on the main table and, along with the young woman in my arms, destroyed the table set, wedding cake and pretty much everything that had miraculously survived her wrath up to that time. However, what seemed to have been a complete failure, turned into an incredibly fun idea when the bride shouted with all her might "Food Fight!". So, Zack and Jason managed to get the two of us and take us away from the beautiful and expensive hall, which was now filled with rich and dirty people, before anything even worse happened. And it might have been quite a sight to see, had I not been forced to hop in one leg to the exit.

"I'm really, really sorry. Would you ever be able to forgive me?" "Barbie" – I should call her differently, but I don't know how – stared at me with nearly panicked blue eyes, holding her hands together as a sign of prayer.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine." My everlasting macho self spoke smoothly.

"Oh, God, Lita is going to kill me for ruining her moment." She got up and the long and heavy fabric of her dress touched my hand. One thing I could tell for sure: this Barbie knew fashion. She was wearing a gorgeous dark blue dress, which embraced her body perfectly. It was decent enough to keep away unwanted attention, but did show some skin and left plenty of room for imagination.

"I'm sure she'll forgive you. After all, it was her who started the food fight." I answered and tried to wipe away some cream from my shirt.

"Yeah, well, she's always preferred unconventional ways. I hope she and Nick stay together for the rest of their lives."

"Well, they deserve each other and complete perfectly, so I can't see what could stop them from doing so." I answered as serious as I could, although my present condition pin pointed the exact opposite thing.

"So, is your name really Ken?" she quietly asked after a moment or two of peaceful silence.

"Kenneth…" I mumbled, unhappy with peculiar turn the conversation had taken. But, then again, why should I be the only one in distress here? "Is yours really Barbie?" my semi-pout changed into a sly smile, which was almost immediately rewarded with a deadly glare. I take my words back. Blue eyes can glare! Ok, the smile is gone too and a terrified look took over. I've noticed she had great legs, but I've also witnessed what damage they can do…

"Of course not…" she blurted out. "It's Mina."

"Nice to meet you, Mina."

"Same here." Yay, I finally get to see her smile… and yes, it is as sweet as I thought. "So, are you one of Lita's cousins?" Lame attempt to make conversation, but give me some credit: I have a monstrous headache, a broken leg and a good dose of sedatives working pointlessly through my veins.

"Cousin? Oh, you must be confusing me with Serena!"

"Who?" yep, the drugs must've reached my brain.

"Where is he?" a shout just outside the room saved me from even more "intelligent" lines.

"I'm sorry, sir, only relatives are allowed inside." The calm reply of a nurse tried to calm down a wave of angry voices.

"Oh, hush, hush! We're friends and that makes us his relatives." A cheerful voice interrupted all commotion, and the doors to the room opened almost immediately, by a tired, yet extremely happy bride, with a two-million pound dress made of white silk and covered in various food products.

"Lita! What are you doing here?" Mina sat up from her seat, next to my bed.

"We came to see how this guy was doing!" she finally entered the room, closely followed by her groom and a set of well-known people, all carrying similar colour patterns on their clothes.

"Oh, wow! Lita, your food isn't just delicious, but it makes a damn good clothing accessory too."

"Knock it off, you! Praises won't get you more food… at least not until we get back from our honeymoon." She hit my shoulder playfully.

"Mina, are you ok?" another distress call was heard from the door, as another Barbie-like young woman burst inside. Looking at her better, I finally recognized her from earlier that evening, as one of the girls Zack had tried to charm. What the hell is this? Has the factory begun producing natural-size dolls or is it just my imagination? Well, drugged imagination, that is…

"Hey, Sere! Calm down, everything's fine."

"Are you sure?" the second clone was nearly hyperventilating.

"Yes! Now start breathing!"

"But…"

"No buts! Get Darien and go home! These kinds of emotions are not good for either you or the baby."

"You hit on a pregnant woman?" Nick stared at our younger friend, who did not know how to dig up a hole to hide himself in faster. We all instantaneously began laughing, in spite of all miracles and disasters which had occurred that day.

* * *

"By the way, how come you managed to stay with me even when the doctor bandaged my leg?" I asked curiously the next morning, while the same beautiful blonde that caused my contortion helped me hop my way through the hospital and to the car.

"Well…" the way she rolled her blue eyes told me she had not been entirely honest.

"Well?"

"I kind of told the nurse I was your wife." This time she really couldn't hide her blush. "I mean, with all that madness, no one actually had the time to check my ID… so, I had no problem in staying over night. I hope you're ok with that."

"Well, after all, I am Ken and you are Barbie… so "it" was kind of meant to be, don't you think?" I turned to her and applied a short kiss on her lips. Smooth, real smooth.

"Hmm, apparently "it" was… However, if you want "it" to continue, you really need to get that name out of your vocabulary!" O-ho, dark Mina was once again on the loose. Run for your lives!

"If you insist, I guess I must comply."

"Thank you…" she ended and helped me inside the car.

"No problem… Cindy." Sometimes I really should keep this evil mouth of mine shut… but not today.

"Bite it, Ken!" she shut the door with a bang and I swear that she'd be able to rip it completely for a moment there.

Who knew… apparently "magical stuff" could indeed happen to anyone… even me…

* * *

I know, I must apologize for not updating in such a long time... lack of inspiration... TT... but I must also thank those of you who reviewed, for their wonderful words. Arigato, minna!!! XD

Hope you enjoyed this chapter too ;) Please review!


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